14 GAY PEOPLe's ChroniCLE AUGUST 14, 1998

BIG TIPS

First she wants a baby, now a dog. Should I give in?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

I talk about my three brothers and my sister a lot, frequently to enumerate the trials my parents suffered raising us, which must have been harder than herding a suburban yardful of possessed cats.

Usually when I describe my sister and myself, I illustrate with my two forefingers up, and as far apart as my arms allow. Theresa's tiny, and was a popular sorority girl who's always known clearly what she's supposed to do: teach, and be a mom and a wife. She's younger than I am by five years, so we've never been particularly competitive, but until recently I still thought of her as my cute little sister, with whom I had very little in common.

One of the first times I realized I how much I admired her was during the Coming Out Wars with my parents, when she stood up for me despite her own fears. Then she came to visit this past weekend, and it all came clear: We're peas in a pod. Our feet are the same shape. We love Biore pore strips. We both consider the Dismount to be the only Olympic "sport" in which we could hope to compete. More to the point, we love our friends and families fiercely, fight ten-

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dencies toward martyrdom, and stretch our capacities to learn new things. Who knew that the kid I called "Poisonous Mushroom" would turn out to be one of my favorite people in the world?

Dear Big Tipper,

My partner and I have been together almost 10 years, and the whole time I've been very aware that she really wants a baby. I've never felt called toward parenthood, although I'm sure I'd be a fine parent if the situation arose. Things have been a little rocky the past few years, and now she's really pushing for us to get a dog. I feel like I can not deny her this, but I really don't necessarily want a dog. What should I do? To Pup or Not to Pup

Dear Bone Home,

weren't 100% there for it. It should be the same for getting a dog, except that they have a shorter life expectancy, and usually don't attend college. It sounds like your gal needs something. What if you both agreed that sne'd be the primary caretaker of the dog? Would you settle for another less dependent animal? Are you just trying to control a symbolic corner of your relationship? Is this really about the dog?

It sounds like you both need something you're not getting: Chat about that before you drive to the pound, okay?

Dear Ms. Martone,

I am 23 years old, am 5' 7", and weigh 230 pounds. Yep, I am a good looking "fat" person. I feel good about myself, and know that if I wanted to I could be fit and trim, like the rest of the gorgeous guys who seem to be born that way. My problem is depression. I have been going to a local bár since I was 18 and never once have I been asked to dance, or bought a drink, etc. I am very shy, and knowing damn well that nothing's going to happen that night, I usually don't smile. The only time I have fun at this bar is with my Good for you for not having a child if you friends who are straight and treat me as their equal.

That's the thing about being queer: Being a parent doesn't usually just "arise." You either already are a parent when you come out, or you're having sex with someone with whom the odds of accidental pregnancy are pretty darned low.

Mark Snyder

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Why do I not feel equal in the gay community? Why can I not have gay friends or a relationship? Do I have to look like Leonardo D to be talked to? Why must people in the gay community be so unaccepting? We all have to fight the same fight, we are all brothers and sisters. Why does how good you look have to affect a relationship, or how many friends you have? I realize some of this is my fault (shy, frowning, etc.), but where are the outgoing people? Why can't they shake us types of people up and get us involved? We are supposed to be in this together...right? Please help me!

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Only 23 But Retiring

Dear Frowny Pants,

Honey, it's no one else's job to get you up off of your ass. It's up to you to have a good time, then guys will want to have a good time with you.

You are sending every “stay away" signal there is, if you're moping around with a frown on your puss. You're not really putting yourself out there as available.

Develop a rich fantasy life: Pick the cutest guy there, and imagine that he's asked you to dance, or bought you a drink. You're flushed and excited. You behave badly with him in the men's room. Now, confident in your desirability, you scan for your next score. Do it again. If the fantasies makes you smile, that's good: Now you look friendly and relaxed. Now, scan for someone who's alone and seems like he might say yes, suck it up, and offer to buy him a drink. No matter how shy you think you are, that's how the other guys feel, and standing around waiting for someone else to make a move is a good way to get old without good stories to tell. If he says no, go weep to your friends. If he says yes, you may be on your way to a friend or

more.

If you're always with straight friends, maybe the bar boys think you're straight. Go volunteer somewhere queer, and make some gay pals to go out with too. And who knows: maybe you'll find a sweetie. Good luck.

For a limited time, everyone who sends a letter or e-mail question to Big Tips will receive a piece of Blessed Mother bric-abrac: a key chain, a little statuette, perhaps a magnet. I am breaking up and dispersing a huge collection over the course of this year, and you are my latest recipients.

For more information on this "Diaspora Project," contact me at M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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